Escape From Intxaurrondo II: Resilience

As of this last weekend, my mother-in-law has been locked down for one month. Thirty one days, by herself, in her apartment, in a neighborhood called Herrera, on the outer edges of San Sebastian.

And while the rest of us, far younger, healthier and more Internet savvy might be going insane, she remains cheerful, focused, healthy and engaged.

How is that possible?

Resilience!

This is a woman who lost her husband in 2013, after fifty years of marriage, but then bounced back to build an engaged and fresh life of her own. In her late 70s she started taking Tai Chi classes twice a week, learned how to use a cell phone and computer, attends “memory” class to keep her brain fresh, and heads out every Wednesday, discount day, to the movies. In fact, when I first arrived to San Sebastian in early March, she was too busy during the week to see me!

Keep in mind, this was a woman who catered to an ill husband for many years, at the expense of her own social life. And speaking of social lives, she also in her late 70s found a new group of friends whose social antics rival those teens from the ultimate high drama show, Gossip Girl.

The elderly are the most fragile right now, and being here in San Sebastian with my 21 year old son, it’s normal that we want to help, and that we want to help her. Like so many grandmothers here, she loves to nourish us, with both her cooking and warmth. Especially since we are sort of foreigners. Now, with the tables turned, with those of us who are younger having the advantage, I so much want to do something for her.

So for every day, for a month, I’ve been calling her, asking if she needs help.

Somehow, the answer is always no! She was raised with little, raised to ask for little, and seems happy with what she has. Her neighbor does the shopping for her, Tuesday and Friday, and she has a new routine: breakfast, shower, a bit of cleaning, reading, 80 cycles around the balcony for exercise, lunch, news, on-line reading, a bit of Tai Chi, catching up with old friends on the phone, and soon enough it’s time for bed! The day goes fast, she tells me.

But finally, last week, she told me there was something she wanted.

I was delighted. Perhaps she was out of medicine, or a certain kind of food we could only get in my neighborhood. Whatever it was, I was so happy to to do something to reciprocate for all of the kindness she has shown me over the years.

As it turned out, she wanted something really small. Her sister-in-law, Pepi, who lives in my neighborhood, Intxaurrondo, had told her that the Newsagent on my street was open in the morning and had all the regular publications.

If my son was coming over to pick up croquetas again, my mother-in-law asked, could we fetch for her the latest issue of Pronto, the Spanish equivalent of Us magazine?

Of course, I said.

Because who doesn’t need their weekly fix of gossip during a pandemic?

When I called to tell her my son would be over later, she mentioned that when she’s finished with her Prontos, she usually gives the magazines to Pepi. She now had a finished batch; would we mind dropping them off with Pepi on the way home?

Of course not! Helping two elderly people is two times better than one, even if that help is just making sure everyone has their pandemic-gossip-magazine-fix. It even felt a little like resistance–circumventing the lockdown rules to bring a bit of relief to two elderly housebound women!

So off my son went, same as before, loaded with Tylenol as a dummy excuse in case the police stopped him.

And same as last time, he came home with a fresh batch of creamy croquetas, and news that his grandmother was doing well and happy to see him.

But upon his return, his backpack was weighed down even more, because the grandmothers had outwitted us.

Pepi, who was once a professional cook, hadn’t just taken the magazines. When my son arrived at her apartment, she’d gifted him a huge homemade tin full of cookies known as Tejas de Tolosa, a local delicacy made from almond flour, egg whites and sugar.

Clearly, my mother-in-law isn’t the only grandma who feels a deep need to care for others. I feel so grateful to be part of a family that enjoys nourishing others. It speaks volumes to the goodness of people, that there are so many, everywhere, who take more pleasure from giving than receiving, even in the middle of a global pandemic. I’m lucky to have landed in a family of them.

Because of confinement, my son is not getting the pintxos (tapas), bars, and beach life in San Sebastian he’d hoped for, locked instead inside for what must feel like forever with his mother!

But, lucky for him, he is getting some of the best homemade cooking around, thanks to two very gracious and resilient grandmas.